Today’s saying that I never expected say as a parent:
“You can’t have a cookie until you finish your pizza.”
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My first was “OK, let’s clean the spaghetti out of your ears…”
Second was “No, no you can’t.” It sounds innocuous enough, but it was in direct response to “Can I hit her with a hammer?” when we brought our daughter home.
Since then, it’s been more what they have said to/near us… “Ow! My breasticles!” (in response to the dog launching off of her chest). “Well, I have a girlfriend before you…” (the 13yo daughter to 16yo son). Most recently (like, yesterday) was when she coughed up a “Boob cookie”, rather than a lung cookie, because that’s where it felt like it came up from. The wife and I told her those are either snacks stashed for later, or lost snacks that are found later…
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We try to keep up with the things our kids say. Some of them are good enough that we print them out, frame them, and then hang them on the wall. One of them is my daughter calling a fly-swatter her, “Shoo-fly wand”
I had to say something to my son the other day that had my wife coming into the room to see if she heard me right. Unfortunately, I can’t remember what it is now 
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My niece used to keep a list of shit my brother said to her. We asked her if she still kept a list last weekend when they were down. She said she couldn’t keep up.
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We thought about keeping lists of insane things we said to each other, but decided that we either couldn’t keep up, or they seemed a lot funnier in the moment…
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Son: I know what I will do next time you don’t let me watch TV.
Me: Oh yeah?
Son: Yeah. I will just look out the window, because it looks just like the TV.
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Highest definition TV there is.
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In unrelated news, does anyone want to buy my TV and an android tablet? 
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